Borderlines and Narcissism

I told him I love him
He said “so love me”

I told him I miss him
He said “so miss me”

I told him I need him
He said “so need me”

I asked him “do you love me?”
He replied “I love your excessive admiration”

I asked him “do you miss me?”
He replied “I miss my sense of entitlement”

I asked him “do you need me?”
He whispered “I need your undivided attention”

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

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Xrotica: Another Bear Enters the Cave

So while Dee had been absent since the events that occurred in Xrotica 3, I haven’t just been sitting idly by, waiting for him to call. There’s other men I fuck with. And now that it’s Summer vacation, I have plenty of time to spend with my fuckboys in between periods of looking for a Summer job.

Another fuck buddy I have (let’s call him: “Pro”) got in touch with me a couple nights ago on Growlr. He complimented my profile picture and I did the same. Pro asked if I recognized him. I told him yes. He was actually a teacher I had a while back in high school. A teacher that I actually had quite the crush on for the longest. And I told him just that. I asked if I was too forward but he assured me it was okay. Pro wanted me to initiate whatever would happen next. We were just talking, beating around the bush. I can tell that he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable or perhaps afraid that a man twice my age, who was once in a higher hierarchy than I was, would want to get intimate with me.

I never had sex with a teacher before, but I always fantasized about it. I watched the teacher and student pornos sometimes to envision this beautiful older man bending me down on his desk to teach me a private lesson I had to stay after school for. Just the thought of it made me precum as Pro and I continued our chat.

He said he was bored and that we can hang out anytime. I told him he can could come right then and there. Why wait? We’re both free. I could host and he could drive so it worked out. So Pro gave me his number and told me to call him in that instant. We talked some more. There was still barely any sexual innuendo uttered between us.

Eventually, he arrived downstairs with a bottle of Hennessey, Red Bull, some Cool Ranch Doritos, and a deck of playing cards. I led him into my bedchambers, but I made sure to hide any condoms, lube, and porn that was laying around my apartment so that it wouldn’t be too obvious. All Pro said was that we were going to drink together, but I had this twinge in my groin that suggested I was going to get lucky tonight.

I told Pro to get comfortable. He placed his belongings down on my living room table. Half the bottle of Hennessey was already consumed. A drunk driver… how reckless. Recklessness is an aphrodisiac, at least it is to me. He told me to finish the rest. I mixed the remaining contents of liquor with the Red Bull before my head was swimming. He hadn’t undressed yet so I didn’t either. Pro asked if I wanted to play strip poker and I said sure. First, he lost and I requested for his shoes to come off. Then, I lost and he wanted me to take off my jacket. And as we were playing, I felt butterflies and goosebumps caress in and on my body respectively. I was going to have sex with my teacher! It seemed surreal, like a dream morphed from nonexistence into my own realm of reality.

Pro had this sexy smile the whole time. The same way he stared at me so long ago. He would be in the middle of one of his interesting lectures, and then he would suddenly flash that exact smile at me while his crow’s feet near his dark eyes highlighted his delight in my presence. Like Dee, he was also a much older hispanic bear that took plenty of interest in my young rican cub body.

At some point, I was completely naked. His eyes soaked in my nudity so his future self could reminisce on this event during solo missions on lonely nights. That’s when he won the game.

We both stood up in unison. Pro knew I wanted him to even the playing field. I glanced at my own body and then at his. I relished in the sight of the mature male figure I had once only imagined would look like in the classroom. The carpet matched the drapes. White hairs swirled with dark brown. A mixture of light and darkness growing all over him. I wrapped my arms around him and allowed our tongues to embrace. I lost myself in our ravenous kiss. I wondered if he was thinking similar thoughts of me all this time as long as I have, or if this idea just occurred to him that night. It was so warm. I felt his face with my sweaty palms and began to kiss his neck before he silently ushered me to my bed. Pro laid down on his back first. I climbed on top of him, but he patted the area of my sheets beside him. So I laid there next to him and sucked his nipples. His nipples were huge, even slightly bigger than mine. I nibbled them like a kitten getting nursed by its mother.

Confessions of his dirty mind came in hushed whispers directly into my right ear. He admitted that he wanted this since he saw me in a play where I was dressed as a woman. One of my questions were put to rest. Pro wanted to fuck me that night in the parking lot outside the school while I was still in costume. He knew I wanted him back then like I was having him at that moment. There were times he wanted me to follow him into his office after class so I could deep throat him in the privacy of his workplace. Sometimes, Pro even fantastized about me and another student tasting his front and back at the same time. All these hidden truths came to life in my mind as I continued to abuse his nipples up until he grabbed my head and pushed it onto his dick. His pubic aroma eradicated my sinuses. I indulged in his bulge until the magic inflating it reached full potential. He ordered me to ride his dick with my fat ass. I asked if that was my latest assignment. He vigorously nodded while he made me his bitch. That was my nickname. Bitch. As I rode him, I choked him and he held my thighs roughly. Soon enough, his hips started to cramp. His agility and stamina made me forget how old he really was. I got off him and I gently massaged where his pain was. Pro moaned at the soft feel of my touch. Then, I rested my hand on his face and asked if he was okay. He confirmed.

That was when I went on my hands and knees. Pro grabbed the lube and a condom. He smeared my ass with it. I wished my bear licked my honeypot before refilling it with honey, but it must have slipped his intelligent mind in the eagerness to penetrate me. I gasped in excitement at the exact second it slipped in. I yelled aloud my wonderment as to whether or not I was being a good boy. He patted me on my back with praise. Aye, papi! Daddy! Fuck me! fuck me! FUCK ME! It took a long time but Pro didn’t even cum. He became lethargic so we laid back down and jerked off together. He urged me to give him my “leche” because my milk belonged to him. But it was Pro’s volcano that erupted all over me first. It was so warm, glistening under the light of the TV. My TV tried so hard to drown out the sounds that Yogi Bear and Boo Boo made in the middle of the night. This made me so fucking horny! But it still took Pro to finger my fat ass for a few minutes until I finally was able to serve him the milk he so desperately craved.

Artificial love continued to feign such realness when we piled into my shower to wash up. I rubbed his cock with soap and water to scrub it nice and clean. I told him he was adorable, so fucking cute, that I wanted him to be my teddy bear to hold for the night. Unfortunately, Pro couldn’t stay the night. But he did linger a bit longer. Pro and I talked shit about the other teachers and that he actually fucked another teacher I had that same year.

At one point, we had a little heart-to-heart. It was wonderful! We spoke of past relationships and we shared things in confidence. Then that smile came back and he suggested we take part in a threesome. On his phone, he revealed his other fuck buddies’ pictures and videos as a means to shop for a third addition to our sin. One of his black friends had a big fucking cock! Pro mentioned he wanted to watch me get fucked by this friend of his. However, I suggested that Dee should be that third addition. He said he’ll let me know and for me to send him a picture of Dee once he left.

So, Pro made sure that he had all his stuff. But he let me keep the bag of Doritos and the deck of playing cards. Pro said I should practice with the cards for next time I hosted for him. How sweet!

Finally, we both hovered around my front door. I wore my undies and my jacket with my hairy chest showing while Pro was now fully clothed once more. He gave me a kiss goodbye. Yet I pretended for a brief second to trap him in my apartment. It was cute. Pro made this face until I unlocked my door. He turned around on his way out to further soak in my image to embed it for future use. I gave him a very flirtatious look before I playfully closed the door in his face.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

To The Family

Abuelo is in a much better place than we’ll ever know.
Heaven is infinitely times better than where we are now.
So don’t be sad, everyone.

Be happy that he found peace.
And lived a full life with our huge family who loves him limitlessly.
His soul escaped the confinement of his human vessel to reach unfathomable heights.

Anything in life can be perceived negatively or positively.
Let yourself grieve and take that journey from the darkness of loss to the light of acceptance.
I am here for you all.

I try to make you all laugh in the expense of my atonement.
I am truly honored to be your jester if it will make you feel better even just for a moment.
I love you all more than you’ll ever know.

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

What Love Means To Me

The only thing that once made me smile everyday
Was knowing that I’m going to die someday,
That I’m not immortal,
That I’m not a vampire,
So trapped in their own power.

Now I feel accompanied in this misery with you,
I’m so enticed with every word thought and deed that you do.
Don’t think I never want to be around you anymore,
I’d rather us be miserable together
Than ever having to pretend we’re not

Because I am so in love with you

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Through The Peephole

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Her eye spies through the peephole
Strange and unusual men
Exiting his home after they reach their goal,
Never to be seen again.

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They had once been very close
Until she became a nuisance.
Now he evades her like a ghost.

Her eye spies through the peephole
The police banging on his door.
It seems that the law has taken its toll
What were they here for him for?

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They were once there for each other
Until she went too far.
Now he doesn’t even bother.

Her eye spies through the peephole
As he leaves behind his chamber
To live his life playing an innocent role,
Fooling others like he fooled her.

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They were once best friends
Until he moved on from her.
Now her ancient life descends.

So her eye spies through the peephole
Because it’s all she’ll ever see.
Her golden years are lonely and dull
While his life is wild and free.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Salvation IX

I         II       III       IV       V       VI      VII       VIII

Peering at life through a keyhole,
You’re more refined than you’ve ever been before,
But you still have more wisdom and experience to acquire.
Trembling like a god,
Holding up half the sky to say
That you can’t do it on your own.
Just because you stumble and lose your way,
It doesn’t mean you’re lost forever.
Sometimes we all need a little help.
Compassion makes you chary.
Yet you still can see beyond the walls
They made their homes from their pasts many years ago.
Their torment overwhelms you.
It seems easier to give in to the mayhem you uncover,
But it’s not their pain you’re afraid of,
It’s your own.
And as frightening as that may be,
That desolation will make you stronger.
If you allow yourself to intuit the sorrow –
Encompass it –
It will make you more powerful than you can ever imagine.
It’s the most cogent gift to have,
To bear their agony without falling apart,
And resilient empathy is born from the most human power…
Hope.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

No One Told Me

No one told me
We’re all diamonds
Taking shape
Everyday

No one told me
My reach extends far
Everything I want
Is just a dream away

No one told me
We sporadically permeate
Playing freely
Like stars in the night

No one told me
We all enthrall such precious magic
Brewing beauty in its depths
And that it can stay

No one told me
Under all this pressure
Under all this weight
Paradise isn’t just surreal

No one told me
We are all legends
We all need each other
Loneliness isn’t real

No one told me
I don’t have to die by sunlight
Only I own me
And that’s okay, my friend

No one told me
We only live once
In this grand adventure
You make me feel alive again

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Pause and Play

Hello to my tech savvy fallen angels! I love promoting the literary bounty that other bloggers garner. This new blogger, The Book Sniffer, wrote this unadorned yet enticing little poem. I enjoyed the metaphor pertaining to a remote control. It’s cute and interesting. I’m surprised I haven’t thought of it myself. Lol. Well, I hope you enjoy it and I encourage you to read other posts from them too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

The Book Sniffer

If falling in love has a remote control,

I’d play our story over and all,

Go back to the moments when we just started,

And skip every time we think of ways on how to get parted,

I’d slow it down for the times we’re happy,

Pause and Play when things go choppy,

Go fast forward at times we argue,

Zoom in and out, the times when we’re so blue,

We’ll select those cute and memorable scenes,

Go to features and see what love really means,

Activate subtitle to remember the words we uttered,

Press volume to have our voices loudly heard,

But if love really has a remote control,

I’d add one button so that in love we’d always fall,

Remove some buttons like power off and stop,

Add patience for us to never give up,

Then I’ll add just one more feature,

A special button that’s tagged forever,

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CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian