Long Gone

image

Heartbeat decreases
Pick up the pieces
Of a heart that’s long gone

Reinvent the wheel
Tell me how you feel
Of a heart that’s long gone

The Sun’s rays are too bright
You will combust in the light
Let the heat melt your broken heart
Let it pour into the mold of a new start

It will freeze in the dark
That’s the only way it resurrects
It will heal in the dark
Silence forms mental constructs

Waiting’s the worst part
Staring at a work of art
Of a heart that’s long gone

Chronokinesis
Formulate a thesis
Of a heart that’s long gone

The moon’s soldiers shine so bright
Shooting stars in the night
Let the constellations fade
They’re only missed when farewell they bade

You will flourish like sand in the wind
That’s the only way you’ll move on
You will live because you’re a godsend
Only the past is dead and long gone

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Free Choice

Hello to my inconsistent fallen angels. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I have been in a rut for the longest. I have major depression and bipolar disorders. I’m sick of people saying that they’re just labels because if they were so, then they wouldn’t exist to begin with. I have serious issues and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing left to lose and I don’t feel like the world owes me anything. It is what it is. I’m refusing to take my meds. I’m a grown ass man so I can do that. No medication in the world can cure a broken heart or loneliness. I have to be patient and go through the motions. I have to resist this urge to quit everything in my life, such as college or this blog. I already quit my job and the GSA at my college so my resistance isn’t perfect but I have more important obligations I refuse to give up on. I found friends in the most unlikely places and I’m more blessed than I give myself credit for. However, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of man. I’m only afraid of the things I can’t see. It’s those things that gives my life meaning and purpose. Things that require faith in order to establish within our own realities. Well I hope you understood my psychobabble. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

All The Sand Will Ebb And Flow

Walls fail to keep the sand from pouring out,

Toes spread out in time as the moon the waves will never doubt,

Gazing at the vast power of a nocturnal queen who reigns supreme,

A mere reflection of her king the birds call forth to redeem,

Dampened beneath calloused feet time gets washed away,

Keeping it all inside will never let the sand fade,

In love with the pain the matriarch surrenders her crown,

Or perhaps it’s the shining lord who for her steps down

 

 

War of Subjection

Denser than the body

Deeper than the poems

Disease is a chronic hobby

The mind ostracizes the prose

I have grown                fond of the villains inside              my head                   They beg me to             give          them credit for my dread            Life is            boring without someone            to show me the               ropes              And your leap           of absence fabricated the death                     of my hopes               It is as if you died            If we are all                different Then                     not one of us can                 confide                If we are all a godsend                Then how come everyone does not feel alive                 We all                perceive                 our own reality So what                 does it matter who                we marry Or who to call Lord                                 Or which sports                 team                 to root for               All wars fight over differences of subjection                   We could                use our opinions for something                           more productive Let us build off                    of each other            so we can                   all be inventive                            Perhaps some of us have been                       doing so already But                    I am so addicted to                       generalizations                Grouping similar attributes together to make believe                     That I am anything                 but a separate entity                                                     Completely condemned to loneliness entirely

 

 

 

In-Zest

Somewhere my weakness is a strength
He lives so far away
I stem from the seeds of his lustrous length
Every second here is a delay

It’s not common to feel like this
But he is my everything
My lips yearn to feel his kiss
I think of him when I sing

Synesthesia makes me see blue
Like the ocean between us
I gaze at the sky a lighter hue
The Summer rays gleam robust

I wish he was a monster
But he is just a man
A beautiful endeavor
He’s just doing the best he can

There’s a place deep in his heart where the trouble can’t go
That is where he’ll find my home
Time goes by fast and slow
I embrace the man I have become

I scrutinize at my reflection
So much that I never rest
I am indeed my father’s son
His favorite desirable In-Zest

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

The Ability To Pluck People From Existence

I used to think if I could choose any superpower I wanted, it would be telekinesis. But after reading this post, I decided to think outside the box. So now my favorite superpower would be to be able to travel from the material world to the spirit realm anytime I wanted. Not just through meditation, but my physical form too. Astral Traveling. Not Astral Projection because that would leave my physical vessel vulnerable in the material world. Anyway, check out deceasedrhymer’s post! Enjoy!

All The Right Places

Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

LABYRINTHINE

image

 

 

I step forth with my church shoes off.
The threshold’s edge is just within my reach.
A deep breath in until my core is fully inflated.
Holding it in as I envision the negativity yearning to escape.
I exhale to allow myself to feel.
One step –
Two steps –
Ten steps –
I begin to notice other people walking in the distance.
They don’t look up at me but I refuse to take it personally.
Eleven steps –
Twelve steps –
Twenty steps –
There are some sections of the ground that creak loudly.
I guess the whole way can’t be silent and smooth.
I accept that there may be creakier areas ahead.
Twenty-one steps –
Twenty-two steps –
Thirty steps –
I realize I can’t rush ahead without taking a break every so often.
I must look up from my feet and embrace the beauty that surrounds me.
Thirty-one steps –
Thirty-two steps –
Forty steps –
I bump into several people along the way.
Either, I move aside for them or they do so for me. I’ve done both by now.
Forty-one steps –
Forty-two steps –
Fifty steps –
I can’t help the others find their way nor they can’t aid me on this task.
I learn that we all have our crosses to bare.
It may seem lonely it doesn’t have to be.
… Ninety-eight steps –
Ninety-nine steps –
One-hundred!
Alas!
The center of the labyrinth is beneath my calm toes.
Centering is key and patience is it’s chariot.
My heart staggers as I swallow my pride for the journey backwards.
Sometimes people leave me halfway through the wood.
But I can’t let their absence grieve me.
No one leaves for good.
The only way to move forward is to trek to the beginning once more.
There are always details I tend to overlook…

 

 

 

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

A Short Sabbatical

Hello to my living fallen angels! I got discharged from a psych ward for the millionth time the other day. I tried to commit suicide once again. I overdosed last week and I was sure that I would finally die this time around because I took a lot of pills and chased them down with some cough syrup. I’m very disappointed that I survived but I know there’s a small part of me that is glad I did. If I honestly 100% wanted to die, then I could jump in front of a train or jump off a certain 11-floor building… It turns out that I kinda wanna live. I was overdue for a vacation and my local psych ward was just the place to unwind and heal from the stressors that make up the majority of my existence. I made a lot of great friends at the hospital. It seems like the mental health system is where I make all my friends worth staying in touch with. I don’t have much in common with Normies (people who were never in the mental health system and are therefore deemed “normal”) so I tend not to establish friendships with them. I realize my light side is just as influential to my life as my dark side is. I have a lot going for me. I’m pursuing a career in Psychology through college. I work as a suicide hotline operator (ironic, isn’t it?) and that opens the door for joining Recovery University, where I can further indulge in my chosen field. I want to be a mental health psychologist. That way, I could still be in the ambience of the hospital without being a patient. Two distinct halves of me learned to balance in equilibrium. One being that “if I ever found out I had cancer, I honestly would feel relieved.” The other being that “we’re all human subjected to trials and tribulations and I can’t find it in me to hate or hold grudges against anyone.” Anyway, now I’m just trying to get back into the grooves and patterns of my everyday life again. I love you all, my fallen angels! We are doing the best we can! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles