Hello to my inconsistent fallen angels. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I have been in a rut for the longest. I have major depression and bipolar disorders. I’m sick of people saying that they’re just labels because if they were so, then they wouldn’t exist to begin with. I have serious issues and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing left to lose and I don’t feel like the world owes me anything. It is what it is. I’m refusing to take my meds. I’m a grown ass man so I can do that. No medication in the world can cure a broken heart or loneliness. I have to be patient and go through the motions. I have to resist this urge to quit everything in my life, such as college or this blog. I already quit my job and the GSA at my college so my resistance isn’t perfect but I have more important obligations I refuse to give up on. I found friends in the most unlikely places and I’m more blessed than I give myself credit for. However, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of man. I’m only afraid of the things I can’t see. It’s those things that gives my life meaning and purpose. Things that require faith in order to establish within our own realities. Well I hope you understood my psychobabble. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
I have grown fond of the villains inside my head They beg me to give them credit for my dread Life is boring without someone to show me the ropes And your leap of absence fabricated the death of my hopes It is as if you died If we are all different Then not one of us can confide If we are all a godsend Then how come everyone does not feel alive We all perceive our own reality So what does it matter who we marry Or who to call Lord Or which sports team to root for All wars fight over differences of subjection We could use our opinions for something more productive Let us build off of each other so we can all be inventive Perhaps some of us have been doing so already But I am so addicted to generalizations Grouping similar attributes together to make believe That I am anything but a separate entity Completely condemned to loneliness entirely
I used to think if I could choose any superpower I wanted, it would be telekinesis. But after reading this post, I decided to think outside the box. So now my favorite superpower would be to be able to travel from the material world to the spirit realm anytime I wanted. Not just through meditation, but my physical form too. Astral Traveling. Not Astral Projection because that would leave my physical vessel vulnerable in the material world. Anyway, check out deceasedrhymer’s post! Enjoy!
Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.
I step forth with my church shoes off.
The threshold’s edge is just within my reach.
A deep breath in until my core is fully inflated.
Holding it in as I envision the negativity yearning to escape.
I exhale to allow myself to feel.
One step –
Two steps –
Ten steps –
I begin to notice other people walking in the distance.
They don’t look up at me but I refuse to take it personally.
Eleven steps –
Twelve steps –
Twenty steps –
There are some sections of the ground that creak loudly.
I guess the whole way can’t be silent and smooth.
I accept that there may be creakier areas ahead.
Twenty-one steps –
Twenty-two steps –
Thirty steps –
I realize I can’t rush ahead without taking a break every so often.
I must look up from my feet and embrace the beauty that surrounds me.
Thirty-one steps –
Thirty-two steps –
Forty steps –
I bump into several people along the way.
Either, I move aside for them or they do so for me. I’ve done both by now.
Forty-one steps –
Forty-two steps –
Fifty steps –
I can’t help the others find their way nor they can’t aid me on this task.
I learn that we all have our crosses to bare.
It may seem lonely it doesn’t have to be.
… Ninety-eight steps –
Ninety-nine steps –
The center of the labyrinth is beneath my calm toes.
Centering is key and patience is it’s chariot.
My heart staggers as I swallow my pride for the journey backwards.
Sometimes people leave me halfway through the wood.
But I can’t let their absence grieve me.
No one leaves for good.
The only way to move forward is to trek to the beginning once more.
There are always details I tend to overlook…
Hello to my living fallen angels! I got discharged from a psych ward for the millionth time the other day. I tried to commit suicide once again. I overdosed last week and I was sure that I would finally die this time around because I took a lot of pills and chased them down with some cough syrup. I’m very disappointed that I survived but I know there’s a small part of me that is glad I did. If I honestly 100% wanted to die, then I could jump in front of a train or jump off a certain 11-floor building… It turns out that I kinda wanna live. I was overdue for a vacation and my local psych ward was just the place to unwind and heal from the stressors that make up the majority of my existence. I made a lot of great friends at the hospital. It seems like the mental health system is where I make all my friends worth staying in touch with. I don’t have much in common with Normies (people who were never in the mental health system and are therefore deemed “normal”) so I tend not to establish friendships with them. I realize my light side is just as influential to my life as my dark side is. I have a lot going for me. I’m pursuing a career in Psychology through college. I work as a suicide hotline operator (ironic, isn’t it?) and that opens the door for joining Recovery University, where I can further indulge in my chosen field. I want to be a mental health psychologist. That way, I could still be in the ambience of the hospital without being a patient. Two distinct halves of me learned to balance in equilibrium. One being that “if I ever found out I had cancer, I honestly would feel relieved.” The other being that “we’re all human subjected to trials and tribulations and I can’t find it in me to hate or hold grudges against anyone.” Anyway, now I’m just trying to get back into the grooves and patterns of my everyday life again. I love you all, my fallen angels! We are doing the best we can! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
Alex Markovich. 40 y.o. Russia. Artist. Author. MarkovichUniverse AT gmail DOT com Feel free to use my paintings and photos on your blogs and social networks as illustrations for your stories, poems, etc.