Chronic Ritual

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Lying by the fire
Fueling my desire
Silently

Pouring tears on the ground
Behind a mask I found
Deniably

Kissing gusts of wind
In hopes it gets to him
Uselessly

Calling out his name
In the winter rain
So lonely

Holding me so tight
In the dead of night
Nobody

Dying by the hand
Of an older man
Happily

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Popsicles: Part 2

Popsicles 1

His truck was actually one of those musical ice cream trucks mommy never let me get ice cream from.

Now I can eat as much ice cream as I want!

I crawled onto the passenger seat. Mommy never let me sit on the passenger side of her car!

There was a clicking sound when daddy pressed a button under his window.

“Make sure your door is locked. I don’t want you to fall out and get hurt,” he said to me.

I checked the door and it was indeed locked. Daddy cares about me more than mommy does.

Soon enough, we were cruising down the streets in exhilarating speed. It was so fun!

Daddy put on some playful music all throughout the ride until we came to a stop.

He unlocked the door by the time the Sun went to bed and then led me through a parking lot.

“Where’s the candy?” I asked happily.

Daddy bent down until we were face to face.

“There’s no candy, silly boy! But how about I give you this instead.”

He began to unzip his pants.

“What’s… what’s going on?” I struggled to mutter, “Mommy said that’s a private area…”

I started to back away but the man kept tip-toeing towards me as if not to wake anyone up.

I ran through the parking lot. He chased me and he wouldn’t stop.

“Tag, you’re it!” he yelled.

He grabbed my head and forced me down. He took the words right out my mouth.

Daddy gave me a pink popsicle to make me stop crying.

Where’s mommy? What am I gonna do without her?

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Popsicles: Part 1

Popsicles 2

Mommy told me that I have a new daddy and that he’ll love me too. Then she gave me a pink popsicle to make me stop crying.

I smiled up at her through the tears. I loved her so much! What would I do without her?

“What a nice day at the park!” she exclaimed as she feigned excitement.

The snow disappeared a few days ago so the grass glistened with morning dew. Flowers reached for the sky in a desperate attempt to not bear witness of what was to come.

My tears dried up fast underneath a powerful sun ray casting forth a spotlight for a preemptive performance of a lifetime.

The other kids didn’t want to play with me. They were all playing tag at the playground.

But at least mommy wanted to stick around!

I glanced in her direction. She was sitting on the wooden bench talking into her new toy. She bought it instead of getting me any of my favorite snacks, even the healthy stuff I didn’t like.

She didn’t even bother making me eat broccoli anymore. Good! I hated broccoli!

Mommy never looked back at me even long after I finished eating my popsicle. I wanted more! So I tugged on her pantleg to get her attention but all she did was motion her finger to her glossy lips and turn the other way before continuing to talk to someone else.

Somewhere off in the distance, a funny looking man whistled for me to come over to him. He must be the new daddy that mommy was telling me about!

Once I approached him behind the really fat tree, I asked him if he was my new daddy.

“Uh… yeah, sure kid. Do you want some candy, little boy?”

I smiled and nodded earnestly.

“I got a whole truck full of candy! Let’s go for a joyride!”

What a nice guy! I already love my new daddy!

To be continued…

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The Internal Conflict

It ends in silence.

Fatigued from hiding in the shadows for so long

Staring into a pond of your own despair
Purest of heart succumbed to the will of its vessel
In need of an antidote to negate this madness
Shackles coil around ankles tied just outside reality
Narcissus in chains –
Too proud to be set free


Do I have to die for you to listen to me?
Silver linings shine brighter when I pluck your flower
Penance isn’t your style
Death is merely the harbinger who will lead me from inundation

And into another plain of existence
You’ve been there before…
Is the grass truly greener on the other side?

It begins in silence

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Celebrating The Life Of Sara

 

I was too afraid to speak up at your memorial so I wrote this for you:

I didn’t know you that well, Sara, but everyone’s stories helped me piece together an idea of who you were. So many people care about you. You were always out there meeting new people who automatically became friends with you. You taught me that being dark isn’t as powerful as being an angel. I wanna be just like you. Friendly. Loving. Positive. And everything else wonderful that made you who you were. I wish I got to know you better. I’m glad I got to find out as much as I could from the people’s lives you touched. I hate myself sometimes for joking about death and suicide. I’m sorry that my dark humor is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I tend to overlook other people and assume that I’m the only one who hurts. I always wonder why not many people pay attention to me or why their faces never light up when I walk into a room. Now I understand it’s because I don’t put myself out there in the community like you did. You were amazing! You went to so many events to spread awareness and even spoke in front of politicians about mental health equality! You always smiled so I never thought you were going through so much that you would end your life the way you did. You once told me that you were fascinated with how I am. But now it’s easier to admit that I’m fascinated with how you were too. I can never be nearly as caring and kind to people like you used to be. I have been hurt by others so many times that I tend to put my earbuds on just to have an excuse not to hear them. I drown the world out with music. Now, I feel like all the emotions I have repressed for so long are spilling out like a tsunami. It’s unbearable. Why did you die and not me? I know if I continue to remain the same, I will continue to miss opportunities to know other aspiring people like you. I doubt my memorial service will be nearly as populated as yours were when I die someday. So one of my new goals in life is to positively affect so many lives that people will care enough to love me the way they loved you. You will be missed and it was a pleasure meeting you, my dear.

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Sara was even on TV making a difference in this world for the better.

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(From left to right: me, Lyne, Sara, and Caspian) At last year’s Toivo’s ProHealing Festival

 

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Fire Emblem: Fates

I reserved this game months in advance for my old original 3DS I got in 2011. This is a reblog so feel free to check out the original post. Enjoy! 🙂

Andika Webeb

Two kingdoms are on the brink of war. Whose side will you choose? Torn between two families, you’re an heir of Hoshido, raised by Nohrian royals. If you walk the path of Birthright, you’ll battle the corrupted king of Nohr beside a family of strangers. If you walk the path of Conquest, you must fight to change your misguided kingdom from within. Command them expertly and forge deep relationships to master this turn-based strategy game.

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Flip Of The Coin

Sociology dictates that I have the will to live
But also the will to die

This subtle equilibrium is the only reason
I choose to still be alive

Light and darkness
Two sides of a coin

Dynamic duo
Partners in crime

They dance with me
Til the end of time

Heads…

Where fathers stay
Where lovers aren’t just frozen in rhyme

Where mates reciprocate
To uphold to an unknown divine

Tails…

Cloth of the loin
Flick of the groin

Drunken stupor
Scrutinious splendor

Heads or tails?
Odds are the same

Probability:
Just something to blame

Insanity:
My choice in this game

Life must be more than
A flip of the coin

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Make Your Pain My Own

I want to hold onto the distraught woman who gave birth to a miniature cadaver
While she tries to convince herself it was a figment of her imagination
For I know denial makes it easier to bare
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the stoic man who broke my heart then left to find something else to do
While he tries to overcome his insecurities without putting down his walls
For I know it’s impossible to have my cake and eat it too
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the vengeful woman who never turns the page of stories that has long since been burned
While she tries to live with the awful things she has done
For I know forgiveness is a hard thing to learn
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the naive man who believes it’s okay to force himself to belong with a hateful family
While he witnesses his hopes and dreams crumble to the floor
For I know it may not be lonely to stay and pretend they love me
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the guilty man who gave into lust and lost everything he once cared about
While he comes into terms with the consequences of his actions
For I know the past cannot be revised by doubt
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the past that’s submerged in my tears
While it hopelessly tries to learn how to breathe without air
For I know nothing lasts forever as happiness fades through the years
So make your pain my own

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

A Cure For Heartbreak

Hello to my cultural fallen angels! From this day on, I am polyamorous! At a sociological standpoint, monogamy is merely a custom in American culture. In a lot of places around the world, polygamy is quite common. Men having multiple wives… And it’s not unheard of for a woman to have multiple husbands too. I have so much love to give and I’m tired of being confined to how our society wants me to endure heartbreak after heartbreak by placing high expectations on monogamous relationships. To expect someone to remain faithful and drawn to one person for a lifetime is ridiculous. I have feelings for multiple people. I can love and care for them equally. If it’s okay with all parties, mutual… consensual… then what harm can come from more love? No high expectations or unrealistic vows should keep people from loving each other. Why can’t I love a man and his husband too? I can love them the same. Why not? Maybe they’ll both love me too. Maybe not, but why feel rejected? Emotions are chemical. Love is a chemical. I used to be against polygamy but then I learned about it through studying sociology and developing feelings for a man currently in a polyamorous marriage who explained to me how society shaped our mentality since birth to believe that everyone should be monogamous. Like I have stated in To Each His Own, black people were once considered 3/5 of a person and gay people were gay bashed left and right. Now there’s Black Lives Matter and gay marriage is legalized now. What stops anything from being countercultural to being the norm? This is a new age! A technological, opportunistic, and open-minded age! At this beautiful end, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

As It Was, As It Is, As It Will Be

I miss

psych wards

anti-psychotics

anti-

depressants

mood

Stabilizers

Anything to hold

On

To my

Humanity

I

miss almost

Being dead

being

restrained

i

Miss physical pain

Getting

Attention for being

Insane

I miss

mother afraid of me

Father figures

Touching me

I miss fearing for

My life

Alone

Without a home

I miss

My heart my

Mind

I

Miss my 15-

year-old

Body

I miss

Starving while

My sisters

Went out to

Party i miss

Running

Away to the

Cemetery

i miss the

Countless

Times i was almost

Relieved of

The burden of being Alive

I miss the feeling

Of

My heart break

ing

I

Miss fighting

Off grown men

just to survive i miss The insecurity of

A

Homeless

Shelter I miss worrying

About bullies

I miss

The ability

To cry

I

Miss missing

People

I miss caring

I miss

Not knowing

Anything

I miss the joy

Of my

Baptism

And God

I want

To believe

that I

Miss God

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles