Notes scribbled in haste

All my clothes were folded and already in my dresser,
All the food I needed was already in the fridge,
All the elements that made up nature I was sheltered from,
A note scribbled in haste said:
“Leftover lasagna is in the oven,
Just heat it up 400 degrees for ten minutes.
Love, Mom ♡”
I smiled with delight as I jolted to the empty kitchen,
The next day I awoke to another note taped onto the inside of my bedroom door:
“Sorry but I had to visit your grandpa at the hospital. Leftover pasta is on the stove.
Love, Mom”
So I shrug my shoulders without a care in the world and devoured the whole pot of spaghetti,
One day I came home from school with a love note in my hand,
“I really care about you and I want you to meet me at the creek at dusk.
XOXO Joshua”
I left the note on my nightstand before preparing a picnic basket full of greasy food,
We shared a romantic evening alone together near the cemetery,
I came back home late that night,
To my mother sitting on the couch under the gloom of the lamp’s light,
I walked up to her completely ambivalent,
She didn’t utter a word until she held out the love note from Joshua,
“First my father dies now my son is dead to me,”
This blow to my heart was worse than a gay bashing,
I cried myself to sleep until sunlight spilled on my skin once more,
A note was left beside my pillow and I hoped last night was just a nightmare,
“Pack everything you need and get out because you can’t live here anymore,”
The tears resumed to stain my face in clear, salty truth,
I filled my backpack with all my antidepressants, birth certificate, social security card, but there was no room for food,
Ten dollars was all there was to my name before I pigged out at a Burger King,
Homeless and poor at a moment’s notice,
I decided to admit myself to the hospital claiming I was suicidal,
I wasn’t lying,
The psych ward was a new experience and I stayed in my room for four days straight,
A letter was given to me on the fifth day:
“Everyone at school thinks you’re crazy. We all heard that you’re at the loony bin. Lose my number, you freak.
Sincerely, Joshua”
He must have really researched this psych ward eager to break my heart,
Somehow I mustered the courage to join the other patients in the day room,
They glanced up at me from what they were doing and saw I was nothing special,
I overheard elaborate ways to hurt oneself new ideas to bring my pain to the physical world,
Cutting or eraser burns or overdosing,
I pretended I was healed from a permanent mental illness,
The staff discharged me to live with my grandma for she was lonely too,
I moved in but it wasn’t too hard for I didn’t have much,
My grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English,
And Spanish wasn’t my strong suit either,
My first night was silence,
There were no clothes folded in my mother’s childhood dresser,
There was no food in the fridge I could eat just meals on wheels,
The windows were broken off its hinges so the snow got in,
My grandma wrote a note on my makeshift door the following morning:
” Usted puede sentirse desesperada ahora, pero todo es posible . Entre el mal , el miedo , la soledad , el hambre, y toda la oscuridad era la esperanza. Un pequeño faro de luz que dejar de lado todo lo hecho y dejado de hacer . Te amo con todo mi corazón.”
I couldn’t even begin to understand what these words meant,
It didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore,
I poured all the antidepressant medications on my twin sized bed and grabbed handful after handful into my mouth,
I imagined that I would just fall asleep and never wake up again,
So I wrote a note for the first time and laid it beside my potential cadaver:
“The life of an intellectual is a lonely one. My soul contract has been revoked.”
I have died so many times,
Yet I’m still alive.

Grandma’s translation:
You may feel hopeless now , but anything is possible . Between evil , fear , loneliness , hunger, and all the darkness was hope. A small beacon of light to let go of everything done and left undone. I love you with all my heart.

image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

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18 comments

  1. brightonbipolar · July 30, 2015

    …this really packs a punch and is so emotional. Reading your words made me sob like a child, for you and all those I know and love who have lived through similar experiences. It breaks my heart that so many people are ostracised for their sexual orientation or their gender identity. Good people are good people, that’s all that should matter. *Hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

      Thanks sweetie. That means so much to me. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. katelon · July 30, 2015

    Did this happen to you? How sad for the rejections you went through and sad for your grandmother to give you a note of support yet have to discover you after your suicide attempt.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

      Its all true. I changed the guy’s name. But yeah i didn’t know what my grandma’s note said til after the overdose and seizure.

      Liked by 1 person

      • katelon · July 30, 2015

        That’s so awful. Glad you survived…for you, for her, and all of us whom you touch in your life.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

        Thank you. Sadly that’s the tip of the iceberg. But at least i’ve come a long way. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • katelon · July 30, 2015

        I went through years of suicidal thoughts and deep, deep depressions. It’s only been the last several that the darkness doesn’t come anymore. It’s hard work but I’ll sure you’ll make it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

        I haven’t been in-patient in years, since i last spoke to my mother now that i think about it. I still struggle with depression. But i’d rather continue to not take medicine than to take it though. They made me gain weight and made me sedated. Now i have the energy to conquer my demons.

        Liked by 1 person

      • katelon · July 30, 2015

        I haven’t taken meds for depression since a brief stint of them in 88.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

        It’s not worth it. Sleeping pills would suffice lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • katelon · July 30, 2015

        When I did need help I found supplements, herbs and homeopathic stuff that did the trick.

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

        Meditation and yoga does the trick for me. To Each His own i always say. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · July 30, 2015

        Meditation and yoga does the trick for me. To Each His own i always say. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. topoet · July 31, 2015

    I’ve known too many who didn’t survive what you survived – I’m glad you did. Creativity reduces those who allow it to reach out & pull them to expressing themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · July 31, 2015

      I consider it and everything else i been through my legacy. 🙂 i am so much stronger now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. chulisi · August 1, 2015

    Hello friend (wink) I soooo enjoyed this. It brought me back to the many teens I hung out with in the streets of Nyc. Us breaking night with the only thing in common was the instability we had of being gay. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · August 1, 2015

      Thanks so much for your feedback. I’m glad you can relate to me. 🙂

      Like

  5. Pingback: MORE notes scribbled in haste | The Pandemonium Chronicles

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