Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

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6 comments

  1. topoet · July 14, 2015

    TV families are fantasy families – it takes up to 10 writers to create their dialogue, to solve their situation in 23 minutes. This is not real life – when I stopped expecting my life to be like TV it became easier to keep real life in perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · July 14, 2015

      Oh i thought it didn’t stray too far from the truth but i guess it does. Thanks for your comment. My expectations on what family is is now lowered. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Charlotte Ellis · July 18, 2015

    I truly do know how you feel

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · July 18, 2015

      Just to relate to someone else is satisfaction enough. Thanks for your comment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. myambivalentexistence · July 18, 2015

    I understand how you feel. I didn’t grow up with anything resembling care :/. I married very early (16) into a codependent relationship. I have now been married 17 years. We are working very hard to overcome our early dysfunctional dynamic and be partners. When I had children I made it a family. Whether or not we had money , they didn’t know. They were loved. I was fortunate enough to always have food for them and sometimes it was difficult. But they always know that they are loved and wanted.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · July 18, 2015

      As long as you have a family and provide and love each other, that’s all that matters. After bills, food, and other necessities, all other finances are extra. You are very fortunate to stick together through thick and thin. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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