So close to the edge

Desperation forces to abandon,
Innate ethical morality,
His wings charred like coals,
Eggshells stepped upon to please him,

Those hypnotic red eyes aren’t peripherally avoided,
Some days the hypnosis is nullified,
But all thoughts of freedom died when he flew away,
The veins in his hands enveloped me in ecstasy and sin,
Hardworking yet effortless in controlling his prey,

Promises of love for the completion of a homicidal request,
I would kill anyone if it meant he would want me the same way,
He used to when we first met,
Did I disobey him?
Neglected and released of all pain and pleasure,
I miss them both cus abuse let me know the fallen angel existed,

Love is many things it seems,
It’s been over a year memories of him are just remnants of the past,
I must turn the page of a story that has long since found a home,
Even if I don’t agree with how the romance depleted,

Let him grab me with force take me to the heavens for a glimpse,
Of what could’ve been right before he lets go easily as flapping wings,
So close to the edge of the Golden Gates but it wasn’t in the cards,

God better have a more suitable mate in mind,
I plummet down the abyss as my faith keeps me fighting for breath,
Until perfection is crafted for me I must settle for second-best

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

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Notes scribbled in haste

All my clothes were folded and already in my dresser,
All the food I needed was already in the fridge,
All the elements that made up nature I was sheltered from,
A note scribbled in haste said:
“Leftover lasagna is in the oven,
Just heat it up 400 degrees for ten minutes.
Love, Mom ♡”
I smiled with delight as I jolted to the empty kitchen,
The next day I awoke to another note taped onto the inside of my bedroom door:
“Sorry but I had to visit your grandpa at the hospital. Leftover pasta is on the stove.
Love, Mom”
So I shrug my shoulders without a care in the world and devoured the whole pot of spaghetti,
One day I came home from school with a love note in my hand,
“I really care about you and I want you to meet me at the creek at dusk.
XOXO Joshua”
I left the note on my nightstand before preparing a picnic basket full of greasy food,
We shared a romantic evening alone together near the cemetery,
I came back home late that night,
To my mother sitting on the couch under the gloom of the lamp’s light,
I walked up to her completely ambivalent,
She didn’t utter a word until she held out the love note from Joshua,
“First my father dies now my son is dead to me,”
This blow to my heart was worse than a gay bashing,
I cried myself to sleep until sunlight spilled on my skin once more,
A note was left beside my pillow and I hoped last night was just a nightmare,
“Pack everything you need and get out because you can’t live here anymore,”
The tears resumed to stain my face in clear, salty truth,
I filled my backpack with all my antidepressants, birth certificate, social security card, but there was no room for food,
Ten dollars was all there was to my name before I pigged out at a Burger King,
Homeless and poor at a moment’s notice,
I decided to admit myself to the hospital claiming I was suicidal,
I wasn’t lying,
The psych ward was a new experience and I stayed in my room for four days straight,
A letter was given to me on the fifth day:
“Everyone at school thinks you’re crazy. We all heard that you’re at the loony bin. Lose my number, you freak.
Sincerely, Joshua”
He must have really researched this psych ward eager to break my heart,
Somehow I mustered the courage to join the other patients in the day room,
They glanced up at me from what they were doing and saw I was nothing special,
I overheard elaborate ways to hurt oneself new ideas to bring my pain to the physical world,
Cutting or eraser burns or overdosing,
I pretended I was healed from a permanent mental illness,
The staff discharged me to live with my grandma for she was lonely too,
I moved in but it wasn’t too hard for I didn’t have much,
My grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English,
And Spanish wasn’t my strong suit either,
My first night was silence,
There were no clothes folded in my mother’s childhood dresser,
There was no food in the fridge I could eat just meals on wheels,
The windows were broken off its hinges so the snow got in,
My grandma wrote a note on my makeshift door the following morning:
” Usted puede sentirse desesperada ahora, pero todo es posible . Entre el mal , el miedo , la soledad , el hambre, y toda la oscuridad era la esperanza. Un pequeño faro de luz que dejar de lado todo lo hecho y dejado de hacer . Te amo con todo mi corazón.”
I couldn’t even begin to understand what these words meant,
It didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore,
I poured all the antidepressant medications on my twin sized bed and grabbed handful after handful into my mouth,
I imagined that I would just fall asleep and never wake up again,
So I wrote a note for the first time and laid it beside my potential cadaver:
“The life of an intellectual is a lonely one. My soul contract has been revoked.”
I have died so many times,
Yet I’m still alive.

Grandma’s translation:
You may feel hopeless now , but anything is possible . Between evil , fear , loneliness , hunger, and all the darkness was hope. A small beacon of light to let go of everything done and left undone. I love you with all my heart.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Of Solitude And Growth Periods

I’ve come a long way. I used to be an atheist and every conversation I took part in was me trying to fish for compliments and establish suicide as a plausible way to go. Now… well this post will show how I feel now that I made it through the other side of depression.

Soaked in Heaven's Grace

Solitude is one gift I dearly treasure. Sometimes it’s intentional, meaning it has been planned for the purpose of reviewing my life happenings especially when there is just a lot to ponder on. Being alone with God in prayer, in the Eucharistic celebration or visiting the Adoration. Mostly, it comes in little packages of random moments like when I’m preparing myself for sleep, riding a cab home, taking a shower, waiting for a friend, or a blank time during work. Okay. I have this hyperactive imagination. My mind is a web of thoughts that mostly end up unspoken and that’s when my introspective pursuits usually commence. And before I know it, I find myself talking to me and asking God for answers.

The questions I have don’t usually demand immediate answers. God has proven many times in various majestic ways that the answers to my questions were already there. Just…

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(Un)conditional love and selfless good deeds

Satisfaction is guaranteed,
A selfish or selfless good deed,
Is the same regardless of integrity, Divination isn’t concrete,
Relationships with other people isn’t a correlation to presence,
Empathic ways conjures feelings more connected to others,
than they can ever begin to fathom with their own two eyes,
Loneliness disguised as scoring one night stands,
Walls built to protect secret weapons and plan B’s,
Give to charity with stubborn feelings of pride,
Wealth is needed to fully enjoy insanity,
Travel the world and make new friends (sorry, followers),
To promote through hidden journeys and distant salvation,
Can’t shake off this feeling that the idea of him in the preliminaries, was what love should be like before it went awry,
Not afraid of the dark but what it means to be,
So aware of yet another upcoming loveless night,
Unconditional or conditional are both temporary,
What is forever when bliss is an elapsed time to showcase,
Whether Heaven or Hell would suffice for my elderly soul?
Strive for both yet expectations subconsciously takes its toll,
a little each day,
Meditation really works!
Laughing maniacally,
Laying on the grass while sensing onlookers’ judgment,
Ultimate knowledge seeps through veins from a vacant heart,
Does it truly matter if one sins differently from another?
Life is a telenovela performed with deception and intrigue,
Evil acts attract a larger audience,
Happy endings are disappointing to most,
Feeding bloated minds of starving artists,
Reviewing and exploiting what is observed in a material world,
Let’s type words because they amount to nothing,
“Will you marry me?”
A question that invited his words destined to become my grave,
Cry just to let me know you can,
Whether I save you next time around or if history repeats itself,
My selfish yearning is love preoccupied for reciprocation,
Unconditional love belongs to the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost,
No one else would be rightfully placed on a pedestal,
Demons scream when touching a Bible or being forced into church,
Detox a life for I have been where you are now,
Burning bridges shore to shore until a fossil is the only proof,
That I have been around before the sacrilegious bonfire,
Ignite my soul in fire or light,
You decide my fate apparently,
you are the judge and jury it seems,
Beautiful lies summon the handsome devil,
Contemplating if I’m truly made in God’s image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

103 ways I love the world

This is my 103rd blog post! So this time around, I thought it would help me see the world more positively if I list 103 simple things I love about life. Maybe you can do the same sometime as your own personal blog post. Alright, my fallen angels, here we go:

1. Pizza! (It’s my kryptonite! I can resist any other food but this one!)
2. Taking a shower (it’s an underappreciated luxury!)
3. Drinking lots of water (it is so good for you! Drinking nice, cold water on a summer day is heaven!)
4. Sex (c’mon, we all feel the same way! I knew this was gonna be in this list so I got that out of the way now.)
5. Walking (clears your mind and it’s moderate exercise. Win-win in my book lol.)
6. Smiling at strangers (either they smile back or they look at me funny. It’s great either way!)
7. Listening to music (music is a powerful influence on the soul. Very impressionable…)
8. Air-Conditioning (it’s summer where I’m at and it’s hard not to appreciate my AC right now.)
9. Pets (my cat, Silly, is the only living being I know as of now who loves me unconditionally. Animals are better than humans in that regard.)
10. State benefits (it has been so hard for me to find a summer job so I’m so grateful that I can still pay my bills every month.)
11. Microwave Ovens (it’s so easy to cook things with this valuable household item).
12. Television sets (I should have just said TV, but I said it now so now what? Lol)
13. Parks (playgrounds, grassy fields, and naive children playing blissfully)
14. Skinny jeans (i look bangin’ in tight clothes, at least my legs do. Ha!)
15. Gym Memberships (cheap, effective, and got me looking the best I’ve ever been.)
16. Libraries  (so much knowledge in one building! I wanna just soak up all the wisdom like a sponge!)
17. Music (so many genres to fit into every category of minorities.)
18. Comic books (anyone who relies on only mainstream superhero movies are missing out on so much…)
19. Financial aid  (I am so grateful that i can go to college without paying out of pocket.)
20. Bread and other addicting carbs (so good yet my midsection… well it speaks for itself)
21. Jockstraps  (the perfect aphrodisiac… in my opinion at least lol)
22. Getting good grades in school  (nothing is more satisfying than earning an A honestly)
23. Physical therapy  (people’s bodies are aching and I am no exception)
24. Psychological therapy  (everyone should have a therapist cus they are the only people you can spill your guts to without worrying about betrayal)
25. Money (do i need to explain?)
26. Weed (gives my empathy a rest and i can’t stop laughing)
27. Sleeping (Heals your body and sets your mind free)
28. Theatre (performing arts awakens something dormant in myself)
29. Spare change jar (any chump change I have goes into the jar until i need it most)
30. Savings account (an upgraded version of a spare change jar)
31. Love (i have so much love to give and no one to give it to… so far)
32. Church (every Sunday i enrich my spirit and let my guard down just a tad)
33. Chivalry  (it’s currently in a coma but i have faith that it’ll wake up again)
34. Meditation (clear your mind and ignore all negative glances from ignorant onlookers)
35. Cell phones (no more cords and home phones are rare nowadays… but that’s not news)
36. Constructive criticism  (without it, i would continue being obsolete)
37. Hardship (the only thing in life that makes me stronger than ever before.)
38. Compliments  (not as effective as constructive criticism but feels better in the moment.)
39. 80’s ambience  (i think i should have been born in the 70’s to fully experience the 80’s. woulda coulda shoulda…)
40. Latin men (John Leguizamo, etc….)
41. Disney (corrupt as all hell but apparently we still can’t live without it.)
42. Advertisements (they can be so annoying but trust me when I say we are better having them than not having them.)
43. Independence (i can walk around naked in my apartment or stay up as late as i want. I am now in control of my life.)
44. Personal growth  (I’m not the same person I was before. I believe today is stronger than yesterday.)
45. The Sun (it may be extremely hot out this Summer but the Sun is vital for our existence.)
46. Remote controls (Americans can place blame on this invention for being fat and lazy too! Ha!)
47. Social media  (i don’t fall victim to the illusion that followers=friends but it’s great for advertising)
48. Jerry Springer (glad I can watch like this so I can be grateful that I am single.)
49. Fitness (i never felt more alive. I can do a split, touch my toes, and do a bridge!)
50. Literature (it would have made sense to put this one in the beginning but I’m winging it as I go along so bear with me.)
51. Aliens (they give me hope that the human race is not confined to limited space and time.)
52. Charities (hope in the form of selfless acts and Robin-hood-morals.)
53. Martial arts  (physical discipline only a few can tolerate and escape from victimhood.)
54. Silence  (it screams the truth, the only thing i wanna hear)
55. Coffee hour (a nice, relaxing time with the church family)
56. Sprinklers (dancing in the water to the beat of my own laughter.)
57. Texting (a conversation void of all emotions, just the way i like it)
58. Stretching  (works wonders before a work out. Don’t skip it!)
59. Cuddling (it’s so cute! Love and warm skin, enticing preliminaries…)
60. Spa (man, I’m way overdue for one!)
61. Sauna (the nice conclusion to an intense workout)
62. Blogging (a nice way to cope and vent, just don’t mention names or else it’s gossip.)
63. Men (some are so cute that I just wanna tickle ’em lmao!)
64. Free apps (and no thanks to in-app purchases, Google Play Store!)
65. Trees (i hugged a tree today but it was so sad 😦 )
66. Windy days (the Sun needs to play hookey sometimes behind some clouds cus I can’t handle too much hot weather)
67. Early mornings  (I prefer if there’s no one around when I meditate outside…)
68. Math (Calculus, Statistics, Trigonometry, I don’t care, I’ll do it all just for fun.)
69. Kama Sutra (just cus it’s number 69 on my list.)
70. Yoga (calms me down from all the racing thoughts I wake up to every morning.)
71. Blog likes and comments  (makes me feel special when my fallen angels appreciate my words.)
72. Being single (I don’t have to worry about other people’s problems or getting my heart broken again.)
73. Scarves (they’re so stylish! Too bad it’s Summer where I’m at right now.)
74. Hats (for the days I don’t feel like doing my hair.)
75. Movie theatres (it’s much cooler to go watch a movie when it first comes out!)
76. Gamestop (that was my Disney World as a child. Pitiful, huh? Lol)
77. Friends  (the TV show not the nonexistent people in my life. Ha!)
78. Glee (the first show that gave me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time.)
79. NYC Pride (everyone in the LGBT Community needs to go at least once in their life.)
80. True Colors Conference  (free hugs and kisses from both sexy and ugly people lol)
81. John Leguizamo  (my childhood crush but you would know that if you keep tabs on my posts.)
82. Chicken (i love chicken! That’s one thing I have in common with most people.)
83. TV antenna (free cable motha fuckas!)
84. Karaoke  (sing as if you’re in the shower!)
85. Credit cards  (money i don’t have now i may have later on… hopefully)
86. Restaurants  (i hate cooking so i pay someone to do it for me.)
87. Tattoos (they make look so cool! But it’s a very addicting habit.)
88. Karma (what comes around, goes around but you already knew that.)
89. Lazy days (I’m currently unemployed so i have a lot of these lol)
90. Locks (i lock my door, my windows, my mailbox, heck i would lock my keys away if I could!)
91. Nintendo (the world’s most prestigious video game company.)
92. The Simpson’s  (the only show that never ends)
93. Driving (it sure as hell beats riding in a city bus full of silly beggars :D)
94. Alcohol (losing my inhibition and forgetting my problems temporarily with a mere swig of whiskey)
95. Book-to-movies (I never bother reading a lot of the new mainstream books cus I know they’ll be movies someday)
96. 90’s TV (the new shows on TV are terrible. I feel sorry for new generations cus of this… and everything else too)
97. Ginger ale  (the only soda I allow myself to drink)
98. The Bible  (all of life’s answers are already written yet no one I know outside of church reads it)
99. Prayer (I have faith that God’s listening but I must remind myself things aren’t going to happen when and how I want them to.)
100. God (do I need to explain?)
101. Halloween  (the only holiday I like.)
102. My birthday (the birth of the Arcangel and leader of the fallen angels is definitely worth celebrating.)
103. Decapitation  (my sick “comedy fetish,” the one unusual thing that makes me laugh.)

Think you can write as many things you love about the world as posts you have on your blog? Give it a try and let me know! Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

What stops them from doing that to you?

Good evening, my reliable fallen angels! So let’s get to it! Have you ever had a friend who did horrible things to someone else but you never thought they would do those things to you? You think you’re their only exception? You’re a fool if you said yes to either of those questions. From a fool to a fool, I am letting you know that no one will ever make you their only exception. Don’t get me wrong; I learned this lesson in high school. I mention it today because my brother is learning that life lesson at this point in his life. His fiancee and her family would gossip about everyone. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. When my brother’s sister-in-law’s boyfriend cheated on her, the family talked a lot of shit about him. That got me thinking. “What stops them from doing that to you?” But my brother didn’t listen. They’re broken up now. I bet they’re talking shit about my brother a mile a minute. I told him it’s out of his control. That’s the third spiritual law. Law of acceptance is to accept that nothing is in your control but yourself. He simply stopped loving her. No one cheated. There was no domestic violence. Nothing. His ex-fiancee treated him terribly. That’s what I hate about some women. They think men don’t have feelings. In society, men can’t cry or express any emotions without someone telling them to “be a man!” It breaks my heart when my dad or my brother were treated badly by the women in their lives. And the second the man decides they’ve had enough, the woman forever raises their child to hate their father. And on top of that, they don’t let the father see the child. What the hell is the man supposed to do? I’m glad I’m gay. Some women would be too much for me. I’ve had my fair share of men in my life and I notice we handle conflict differently. If me and some guy go through a break-up, I know for a fact I’m never gonna hear from him again. Men neglect while women gossip. I don’t know which is worse. Sorry if I sound sexist. My experiences with women are usually disastrous. Now that I think about, men are pretty bad too. Which is why I don’t understand why some people hate the LGBT Community. Men and women are both terrible. Pick your fucking poison! Anyway, back to the main topic at hand. If you find that your boyfriend or girlfriend or ever just a friend act ill-mannered towards other people, you can easily become one of those other people. That is a kind of red flag that you have to look out for. I learned this lesson years ago and my brother is learning it now. It’s one of the trials and tribulations every person will go through. I’m just starting to get into The Bible and I realize that every life lesson is displayed clearly in there. Well, not that clearly. Most Bibles are still in Old English. But still, our lives, mankind’s destiny, has literally been written down already. Life is ironic that way. Well I hope this post helped someone out today. Then again, most people have to learn things the hard way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Infinite Limitation

Better to live life a blissful human,
Than a lonely vampire left in ruin,

My mortal life is a wrinkle in time,
An anamorphic leviathan easily slain,

The woman stood before me,
So cold was her gaze,

Fear took hold of my psyche,
No more than a bug under her power,

But there is one thing we have in common,
Depression and sorrow drowns Sunday’s sermon,

She can end my life in the blink of an eye,
But who will put her out of her misery?

It was wrong for her to look down on the lamb,
A shepherd she became involuntarily,

I bit and never cooperated,
But she should have been patient regardless,

My wool as soft as the meadow dew,
Below and in between her toes,

Easily she walked away,
And left me to fend for myself,

Faith allows the mustard seed,
To grow into everlasting glory,

She gave up but I no longer need her,
Yet love is a must and I must indulge,

Pride insists itself on me,
For I can die while she lives unhappy

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

Loneliness and guilty pleasures

Before I submit my 100th post tomorrow, I wanted to pick this post as my personal favorite. Unless this counts as my 100th post, then it would deserve this spot regardless. Loneliness and guilty pleasures was my personal best. I love you all, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day!

Loneliness Isn't Real

Brimstone and shadow shrouds my soul,
Makes me unapproachable,
Suffocating the light within,
With selfish acts of sin,
I know that it’s wrong to comply,
With the darkness deep inside,
The faithless and spiritually blind,
Cannot see nor fathom my kind,
Fallen angels guarding what consumes us,
Memories resonate of an incubus,
Fear and intrigue morphed into love,
Red flags ignored warnings from above,
Events occur way beyond my maturity level,
Inevitable death fabricated damsel,
Screaming out distorted love songs,
Sirens casting out lectures amongst,
The loneliness can replace the devil beneath the sheets,
Guilty pleasures in the form of love stains meets,
Underneath a canopy of infatuation,
Submerged further into oblivious condemnation,
Rock bottom is my summer resort,
Acrobatics convey with their bodies contort,
Lethargy and hopelessness is a comfortable satire,
To wear to the ball before clock strikes midnight’s dire,
Unveiling of the truth behind the mask,
Questions…

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Finally republished!

“Hey everybody!” said Dr. Nick. Lol How are my fallen angels doing on this glorious day today? One of my fellow bloggers took some time out of her day to explain to me just how easy it is to publish an eBook for free. I have part one and half of part two in my flashdrive and created a cover based on the original cover. Technically, I already wrote parts two and three and actually began part four. But I only handwrote them. Typing them has been kinda tedious lately but I gotta do what I gotta do. I used Kindle Direct Publishing. When I am near a desktop computer again, I’m going to publish it on draft2digital too. But for right now, please buy The Pandemonium Chronicles: The Merge between Heaven and Hell on eBook format for only $2.99! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB I’ll also have this link in my dropdown menu soon enough. This is my 99th post. I’m thinking I should write something spectacular for my 100th post tomorrow. Any suggestions? Well my busy day is going to start now but I hope you all have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Empathy 101

In life, emotions are the cause of everything. Good and bad. As empaths, we are very sensitive to emotion. We feel what others feel as our own burden so there are some precautionary measures that must take place. It is a blessing but it can be a curse if you don’t learn to control it. Ground, center, and shield. Know the laws of attraction, allowance, and acceptance. The past no longer exists. The future has yet to exist. Either way, right now is all that matters. Yoga and meditation works well to maintain and focus while doing your daily ritual. Empathy is a way of life. It requires belief of the spiritual realm. Love defeats evil. Positivity defeats negativity. Hope defeats fear. Good luck on your personal endeavors and on your own journey in life.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂