He reminds me of my father

Hello to my fallen angels! Somewhere along my relationship with my ex, I became obsessed with him. He was like a drug that was ever so addicting. To this day, I feel like I’m going through withdrawal.

image

I relapsed yesterday. It was around midnight and I was feeling very lonely. So I called him. I memorized his number, and I don’t think I will ever forget it. It’s stuck in my long term memory forever. His phone was ringing for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds of anxiety and fear. But he must have fell asleep with his phone on. So I left my ex a voicemail. I tried my best to not cry. Even at my lowest, I attempt to play it cool. I told him that I was worried about his well-being and I wanted to make sure he was doing fine and a request for him to call me back. Then I felt stupid and weak. I hate weakness. It’s pitiful to me. Then that suicidal ideation came back. So I called the Trevor Project. It’s a national suicide hotline specifically for the young LGBT Community for ages 18-24. A lady named Renee spoke to me for about a half hour. We covered so much in that short time. I told her a brief synopsis of my past relationship with him. She asked me if I always feel like this. I said no. Then she asked me what triggered these feelings. I recall that a couple days prior, I came across his Facebook page in the “People you may know” section. His profile picture… so handsome…. I told Renee that I broke up with him several months ago. I think I had to. He reminds me of my father. My father was a beautiful person but I never understood why my mom divorced him until recently. My mother described him as having two prominent sides to himself. One side was polite, playful, loving, and sweet. The other half was dark, self-destructive, negative, and sinful. I hated my mother for leaving my dad but now that I have gone through the same thing with a man, I found myself forgiving my mom for everything she has done to me. This pain I feel for losing my ex is hard enough. For my mother to still take care of me and my three siblings too must have been very difficult for her. I last saw my ex at a Subway Restaurant. He offered to buy me food, but I politely declined. I waited for him to pay for his sandwich and sit down beside me. He had wanted to talk about starting over again with me. I told him that it’s impossible. We had so much history together and for us to start from scratch was laughable. I told my ex that I didn’t love him anymore, even though, to this day, I never stopped loving him. He looked so hurt as I walked away. I keep thinking about the look on his face that day. I cry silently in the sanctity of my own home. I couldn’t handle his dark side anymore. In the past, I believed that I must take the pain with the pleasure. But I was wrong. Renee said I shouldn’t have to contain my feelings and emotions to satisfy my ex. He was so adamant on proving to me that he had no feelings or emotions, that he was strong and stoic like a robot. Why can he claim he loved me without those two things? He was my first love. I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but he introduced me to what love really is. I said to Renee that I don’t think I will ever love anyone or anything ever again. I lost interest in everyone else but him. There are beautiful, attractive men out there in the world but they are nothing to me. Anyway, I decided to major in Psychology under Liberal Arts. Renee told me that is a great idea. My personal experiences and sympathy will make me an astounding therapist. I felt better. Then I fell asleep and woke up this morning for church. Hope. Faith. God. The only things I live for. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Advertisements

20 comments

  1. Fatimah Mahsud · June 9, 2015

    This was so moving and relatable for me. I do not know if you will believe me or will even care to know, but I feel exactly like you. Obsessed, suicidal and hopeless. I, too, lost someone I love to the Moon and back. I’m sure it’s not of any significance to you but please know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers from now onwards. God Bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · June 9, 2015

      Your words definitely mean a lot to me. Before I started blogging, I felt that no one was going through what I was going through. I was so close minded and trapped in my own psychological world. Where my only escape was fishing for compliments. So thank you so much and I have the whole world in my prayers. The good and bad all need God. God bless you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Fatimah Mahsud · June 9, 2015

        You are wonderful, powerful and worthy. You’re not alone. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 9, 2015

        Thank you. If you can relate to my posts, then I already know that, you too, are resilient, amazing, and brave. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Bunnet · June 17, 2015

    Oh it been years six to be exact sense last love someone like that, I remember it promising myself that much love could never come again and think till this day that promise is alive. Not bad if you learn to live with it and learn to love other things.

    In my case the person that loved died and it was just very traumatic, I hope for your sake your doing better now and always good to get help

    Liked by 1 person

    • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

      Thanks for your feedback. Sometimes I don’t even think about him anymore. Then there’s those days off from work where i have nothing to do but allow my racing thoughts to catch up to me. At those times, i try to call friends and family to divert this urge to call him. One day at a time and staying busy is key for me. Maybe that works for you?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        Well, it was complicated she had committed suicide and for year a struggle to understand why. During that entire year I would think of her, go outside and punch bricks, no not kidding.
        Then one day I made bow to the Moon, again not exaggerating this how really happened. I start a new, forget everything and mean everything. And did, erase my emial, transferred my bank account, erase my myspace oh that what thing back then and start everything from zero

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        Im sorry to hear that. You are very strong to allow yourself to break away from the past and start anew. People like you renew my faith in the human race. There’s so many people i know who are too weak and unaware of how to handle such significant loss and live to tell the tale. Its great to know there are people like us who can fathom what tradegy and loss is without the need to depend on others to alleviate the pain.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        Thank you, I actually got a lot of people angry at me because of it, they said I was cold and not good person. But it hard to open your heart, outside of her death, there was my cousin suicide and my grandmother dead all with the same year and true I didn’t cry. But usually reserved person who is emotional in totally different way

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        I totally understand. As a kid, i was shy and hypersensitive. Now as a young adult, im more guarded, resilient, and seemingly cold. I just subconsciously cannot allow myself to be weak and vulnerable in anyone’s eyes, especially after my first true heartbreak.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        It good thing and bad thing, because I do seek companionship but not found single person who willing to be with me.

        And will admit during my two surgeries, I did regret not having a person next to me who say “you honey your back”

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        Me too. I feel like I’m Batman. I have a few true allies but for the most part, im on my own. And i cannot depend on anyone to help me fight my battles. But I so desperately want to find my other half. I won’t settle for less. Yet I’m a lone wolf. Paradoxical… i know lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        So is our fate, the paradox of man

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        If a paradox is presumed normal, then doesn’t it defeat the purpose? If it doesn’t, are all our fates destined to be confusing and hard from birth?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        I think we as human are complicated at best, like burning start our lives push forward toward a bright shinning future that can possibly collapse into nothingness, while others gravitate millions around us, others so distant that only faint light remains

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        That was beautiful. But why does life have to be defined by how many others gravitate towards us? A loner can be just as good a person as any. It just sucks that just because im not popular, im only exposed to a faint light. Then again there are infinite theories to life’s revelations.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        Oh thank you for telling me that was beautiful, I don’t often get that.
        I can’t answer that, because I’m steeling looking for meaning on that myself

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        Isn’t everyone?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bunnet · June 17, 2015

        I do believe so

        Liked by 1 person

      • tpcsufian · June 17, 2015

        The ones who aren’t aware are doing it subconsciously

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s