Hello to my fallen angels! Somewhere along my relationship with my ex, I became obsessed with him. He was like a drug that was ever so addicting. To this day, I feel like I’m going through withdrawal.
I relapsed yesterday. It was around midnight and I was feeling very lonely. So I called him. I memorized his number, and I don’t think I will ever forget it. It’s stuck in my long term memory forever. His phone was ringing for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds of anxiety and fear. But he must have fell asleep with his phone on. So I left my ex a voicemail. I tried my best to not cry. Even at my lowest, I attempt to play it cool. I told him that I was worried about his well-being and I wanted to make sure he was doing fine and a request for him to call me back. Then I felt stupid and weak. I hate weakness. It’s pitiful to me. Then that suicidal ideation came back. So I called the Trevor Project. It’s a national suicide hotline specifically for the young LGBT Community for ages 18-24. A lady named Renee spoke to me for about a half hour. We covered so much in that short time. I told her a brief synopsis of my past relationship with him. She asked me if I always feel like this. I said no. Then she asked me what triggered these feelings. I recall that a couple days prior, I came across his Facebook page in the “People you may know” section. His profile picture… so handsome…. I told Renee that I broke up with him several months ago. I think I had to. He reminds me of my father. My father was a beautiful person but I never understood why my mom divorced him until recently. My mother described him as having two prominent sides to himself. One side was polite, playful, loving, and sweet. The other half was dark, self-destructive, negative, and sinful. I hated my mother for leaving my dad but now that I have gone through the same thing with a man, I found myself forgiving my mom for everything she has done to me. This pain I feel for losing my ex is hard enough. For my mother to still take care of me and my three siblings too must have been very difficult for her. I last saw my ex at a Subway Restaurant. He offered to buy me food, but I politely declined. I waited for him to pay for his sandwich and sit down beside me. He had wanted to talk about starting over again with me. I told him that it’s impossible. We had so much history together and for us to start from scratch was laughable. I told my ex that I didn’t love him anymore, even though, to this day, I never stopped loving him. He looked so hurt as I walked away. I keep thinking about the look on his face that day. I cry silently in the sanctity of my own home. I couldn’t handle his dark side anymore. In the past, I believed that I must take the pain with the pleasure. But I was wrong. Renee said I shouldn’t have to contain my feelings and emotions to satisfy my ex. He was so adamant on proving to me that he had no feelings or emotions, that he was strong and stoic like a robot. Why can he claim he loved me without those two things? He was my first love. I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but he introduced me to what love really is. I said to Renee that I don’t think I will ever love anyone or anything ever again. I lost interest in everyone else but him. There are beautiful, attractive men out there in the world but they are nothing to me. Anyway, I decided to major in Psychology under Liberal Arts. Renee told me that is a great idea. My personal experiences and sympathy will make me an astounding therapist. I felt better. Then I fell asleep and woke up this morning for church. Hope. Faith. God. The only things I live for. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.