Good evening to my fallen angels! My innate behavior towards other people is paradoxical. I tend to push away the people I truly care about yet I feel so alone and I, so desperately, want to connect with others. With friendships, I begin to notice how comfortable I feel around someone and I freak out. I find some excuse or faulty reason why we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Yet I only dreamed of having a group of friends like in the show, Friends. With romantic interests, once secrets and intimacy become overwhelming or more out in the open, I break up with them immediately before they have a chance to hurt me. Yet I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. With family, I had a traumatic past with anyone I once considered family so any replication of a new family gives me this urge to run away. How would I expect to have a social circle of family, friends, and a significant other when fear takes it toll on even the slightest sign of a connection with anyone else? For a while after I broke up with my ex-fiance, I began to use those apps like Grindr and Hornet just to see if I was desirable. Apparently I am. Guys would message me and say, “you’re so cute. Are you a top or a bottom?” I don’t know their name or even if they’re an escaped convict or something. The attention was a bit flattering for a time. It was a confidence booster. Until reality sets in and I realize these guys could be rapacious or murderous. So I delete the apps and co-exist with just myself for a while longer. At least I am attractive but looks aren’t everything. No one cares to delve deeper than my handsome, dark facade or my class-clown nature. People attempt to use me for many different reasons. Sex. Money. Laughter. Labor. I know two people who would love to be my roommate but I can’t even fathom ever accepting living with any other human being. Personalities will change in the flip of a coin. Secrets will be exposed when disagreements ensue. Material things are in jeopardy. Sometimes I could be so cold or mask my internal struggles with humor. I don’t have the luxury of falling into pieces like most people do. I have to be strong or I will die. It’s exhausting to forever be in survival mode, but it’s my life. I have goals, both short term and long. I work towards them every single day. I don’t accept weakness so I tend to strengthen every flaw I have. I don’t think anyone in my life is as strong as me so maybe that’s another reason I can’t get too close to anyone. I become annoyed and frustrated when people don’t listen to my wisdom or when they show any sign of weakness. Oh wells. Intelligence and resilience must have a cost. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.