“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

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My imagination will die with me

All my unpublished novels, unheard original songs, unread poems, and my infamous views of the world are most likely are going to die with me. Blogging instills the illusion that I already met fame. I tried to establish a writing career only to be jibbed off by Xlibris Publishing. They only care about money. I tried to introduce my lyrics to a music industry but they never have the time to see me. They don’t want to hear it. The poems are more for myself but I like to share them from time to time just to see if anyone replies. My love is becoming imaginary. After everything I have been through, apathy is taking its course. After my ex told me he never loved me to being with, my walls are built once more. I have so much love to give but no one can live for real in fantasy. My imagination will die with me. I don’t know when, I don’t know where, but it seems my efforts to proclaim my dreams are futile. Even people I happen to keep in my life are starting to get bummed out by me now. It’s not like I want to give up because if I did, I would end my life. The fact that I haven’t done that yet should show the inevitable hope I garner that my imagination will become real and my goals in life will be worth it after all the trials and tribulations have finally ceased, if they ever will. My barber gave me an eyecut along with the haircut. The brush my barber used to wipe extra hair from my face without warning cut my eyeball. I had to go to the emergency room and it tooks six hours to be seen. I have to apply eye ointment every four hours for the next five days. Not eye drops. Ointment. Hardest medication to apply to the body. I guarantee it.Β  Before this happened, I got poison ivy recently when I participated in the church clean up last weekend. Is that what I get for helping the church? Then my sister-in-law asking me why I’m always suicidal. And I don’t like how she treats my brother but there’s nothing I can do about that. That all happened in one weeks time. It leaves me wondering what’s worse: my brother’s marriage or my chronic loneliness? I feel like everything I say will always be the tip of the iceberg. I had the same therapist for over two years. The only one that never gave up on me. She knows me more than anyone. Yet I don’t think I can ever express myself 100%. Maybe there’s a lot of things in life that just simply can’t be acknowledged verbally. A type of spiritual endeavor everyone faces. I need a spiritual guide or something. I’m so lost. I know I’m just bitching right now and I might sound like a teenage rebel, but believe it or not but this is helping me a lot right now. Im sitting in my apartment with all the lights off because my right eyeball is very sensitive to the light. My phone’s brightness as low as can be. My cat keeping me company. That unconditional love my feline friend and I share is the same way people should be but they’re not. Always building defenses and afraid to take the risk of letting anyone in. Anyway it’s like my emotional and psychological monstrosities are displaying themselves to my human vessel. A reflection of my depression as physical pain. I lost my mind years ago and it seems now all the other components that makes me who I am are starting to deteriorate as well. Who have I become? Job from the Bible? The darkness is taking over but my faith in God and my hope to save others like me by telling you all about me is good enough to keep on going. My imagination will die with me but hopefully my brave storytelling will help you on your own personal endeavors too. That is the grace God bestows upon me.

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Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

While we wait for an allegory…

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Hello, my fallen angels! I’m currently in the works of writing my very own allegory. While we wait for it to be finished, I decided to just fill you in on my writing process.

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My publishing company, Xlibris Publishing, was a bunch of crooks. I know people have been buying my book yet no royalties or even the books sold records on my author profile was vacant. Colleagues, friends, and family members have definitely bought their own copies.

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So I cancelled my contract with them. Because of that, however, the remainder of the books out there in the world are now the only ones that exist. At least the Xlibris Publishing never have to take advantage of me ever again.

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Don’t worry, my fallen angels. I’m warning you all about Xlibris Publishing so that you won’t make the same mistake I did. And the fact that I’m going to try to republish my first book with another publishing company. Corruption in society is becoming ridiculously obvious yet it still exists. Pity… Anyway, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

Fallen Angel [In love with a psychic]

Let me take care of you,
Let me nurse you back to life,
Let me save you,
From yourself tonight,
You don’t usually,
Have the luxury,
To fall into pieces,
Well I am here now,
Let me put you back together,
Stay forever,

My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
No longer the man I once known,
Necromancy,
And power divine,
Requires sacrifice,
Don’t let the evil,
Predetermined future,
Take hold of your life,
My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
Let me save you from yourself tonight,

It must be hard,
To know what is to come,
Cus if I knew my future,
I would lose my mind tonight,
My faith resides,
Forever more,
In my prayers,
For you to see,
The error of your ways,
And the end of all days,

My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
No longer the man I once known,
Necromancy,
And power divine,
Requires sacrifice,
Don’t let the evil,
Predetermined future,
Take hold of your life,
My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
Let me save you from yourself tonight,

You sacrificed,
All your human traits,
To gain the powers of the gods,

Was it worth it?
Discarding my love,
For something overrated,

My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
No longer the man I once known,
Necromancy,
And power divine,
Requires sacrifice,
Don’t let the evil,
Predetermined future,
Take hold of your life,
My fallen hero,
Fallen angel,
Let me save you from yourself tonight

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

Soundtrack of the Arcangel

1. Is this thing on? By P!nk

2. Conquerer by the Empire cast

3. The lonely by Christina Perri

4. Heavy in your arms by Florence and the Machine

5. Gods and Monsters by Lana Del Rey

6. Lotus Intro by Christina Aguilera

7. I need love by LL Cool J

8. Atlas by Coldplay

9. Burning in the skies by Linkin Park

10. La Vie En Rose

11. Say (All I need) by OneRepublic

12. All night long by Lionel Richie

13. Take On Me by A-ha

14. Personal Jesus by Marilyn Manson

15. My immortal by Evanescence

16. 90’s X-Men theme song

17. People like us by Kelly Clarkson

18. Out from under by Britney Spears

19. Robot by Miley Cyrus (pre-twerk days)

20. Get Away with Murder by Jeffree Star

Create your own custom album that defines all aspects of who you are, your past, your present, and your anticipated future. The good times, the bad, falling in love, falling out of love, etc. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

If you can’t beat ’em, keep trying

Good evening to my accomplished fallen angels! How are you doing? So have you ever acknowledged your good and evil sides? Do we start from birth as pure as can be? Or is it a neutral blank slate kind of ordeal? I don’t expect anyone I answer two out of those three questions. Rhetorical situations… The best times in life are rhetorical. Let’s assume life starts pure-hearted. Then add in genetics and upbringing. Are you still pure? I wasn’t. Anyway schooling gets mixed in. Being around peers for the first time in your life. That can go either way. Then adolescence, from 13-18 years old= introduction to hell. Friendships created and dissolved in a short time span. First love occurs, that early… if you’re lucky. It took until after graduation for me to start being attractive. Independence takes place soon after. Trials and tribulations gnaw at you like starving vampires and you’re their first human in years. Bills, work, school, family, friends, ramen noodles for months, red bull and coffee just to stay working, partying and boys (or girls, whatever…), survival of the fittest, and suddenly all the evil and condescending rage eats up at you. Will you let the darkness take over? Will you tarnish your purity for personal gain? People constantly using you for money or sex or labor or a laugh that will make their day yet leave you exhausted and alone at night. They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Not me. Hustlers on the streets begging for a dollar, rich snobs laughing in your face, and the inevitable war within yourself. Should you defend your benevolence or allow shadows to intervene? A life undiscovered, not resolved. As humans, we have the luxury to pick our path to righteousness or repeated sin. Indulge in your urges, regardless if it hurts the ones around you. Or go out of your way to save a complex race. The choice is yours. But just to let you know, evil is weakness for they are not strong enough to keep Satan at bay. It takes more strength to save a life than to end one, especially your own. Fantasy is the best place to contain the darkness. Make it your reality and you better hope there’s no afterlife for you would get the short end of the stick. I, myself, am lost in fantasy, inside the magical worlds of infinite storytelling. It’s never too late for me to come back but keeping darkness behind is quite an endeavor. Look at me, ranting on about nothing and everything, like a mad scientist or a philosopher who got fired for daydreaming. I say, if you can’t beat ’em, keep trying because it’s never too late to formulate the perfect balance within yourself. Hope beats fear every time. Evil power always requires sacrifice. Be good for me, will ya? Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

Level 21: My life as an RPG

On April 29th, I leveled up to 21! My attack stats are above average at 91. Accumulated by aptitudes in Jiu Jitsu, Boxing, and Street Fighting. My defense stats are very high up at around 127. The sum of all the walls I built up around my mind, awareness of my environment at all times, passwords guarding my digital necessities, and locking all doors and windows when I’m at my base. My intelligence was enhanced due to an autism capsule I acquired at birth and vast amounts of books I absorbed for mere pleasure. Now it’s enforced by my college career. It even surpasses my defensive capabilities by 30 points which ultimately adds up to 157. What’s an RPG without magic? My magic criteria is a combination of spirituality and psychological maturity. So my magic is more of a healer’s kind than a dark mage, by just a bit. Healing spells include  caring about others, being a good friend, and going out of my way for my loved ones when they are in need. My offensive hexes involve hacking, blackmail, finding dirt about my enemies, and pushing people on the brink of suicide so that I don’t get my hands dirty. An overall 122. My stamina is fairly good but I need further improvement. I have been working out four time a week, two hours per work out but lately I have been slacking a bit. Stamina went down from 97 to 85. My speed has increased but not by much but any increase is a good thing. I can run faster than any other point in my life (so far) and my ability to draw conclusions have been compromised by Narcissism and bias. Makes up a total of 110. My weapon of choice has to be the Technological Sword, able to slice through even the slightest virtual deceit. My favorite helm must be the Wool Hat of Oblivion, able to scare off unwanted attention. Paired up with the Dark Hoodie amulet makes me untouchable. My armor is the Robes of Tranquility, able to fortify me from perverted stares. My favored accessory is the Obsidian Android 4G which can call on my allies for support in this war called Life. My support system include my soldier brother who specializes in weaponry, the kindgom of DMHAS, and the fortress founded by the Trevor Project. I am a brave warrior of God but my villains tend to push me astray from the Oriented. My villains are my ex fiance, his henchmen, the devil, anklebiters (crafted by the devil to inflict suicidal ideation), and my biological family (apart from my brother). The Oriented is an Elysium where brave warriors fighting for The Power of Trinity go when they have done their part in trying to save the world. As of now, a new battle ensues after I vanquished my ex for there are always opportunities for my psyche to subconsciously resurrect his spirit. One day at a time. Along with my arsenal, my allies, and my unquenchable thirst for experience, I will someday become a benevolent yet powerful warlock who will someday earn my place in The Oriented. I hope you enjoyed this post and feel free to like and comment on it as well as create your own RPG: Life simulation. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Do Your Chores!

Phew! Today was my church’s annual clean up. We did the lawn work and the memorial garden. I signed up to volunteer for it weeks in advance. Originally I signed up because I’m the newest member of the church and I wanted to give a great first impression. I was kinda dreading today but once I began working on the field, it was such an amazing experience. My church family are so welcoming and sincere. It made today a pleasant day after all. We took breaks and talked about the history of the church and the people whose ashes are spread within the memorial garden. It’s funny because I turned down an offer to go to Lake Compounce this morning. To be honest, I didn’t feel like dealing with people in my age group today. Sometimes I need a break from them. They can be very annoying. I’m the youngest member of my church and I always get along better with older people anyway. It’s always been that way. I preferred befriending my teachers in grade school. My ex fiance was literally twice my age! I would rather be around older folks. There’s advantages and disadvantages to age. Romantically it’s mostly a bad idea. The older someone is, the more baggage they have. I learned that the hard way… Anyway, age also predetermines the maturity ballpark, so to speak. The older someone is, the more mature they might be. I say might because there are people much older than me who are nowhere near my level. Back to the church clean up, I’m currently finished and eating a dunkin donuts new chip’s ahoy donut and coffee. Life is great when you do hardwork and get praise for it. I never was praised as a kid or even rewarded. That’s probably why my childhood was so screwed up. Oh wells! It’s never too late to redeem yourself. Have a wonderful day, my hard-working fallen angels! Over and out.

“Life is unfair” and other clichΓ©s

Good afternoon to my knowledgeable fallen angels! Lately I’ve merely been writing poems but now we can get back to my warped views of the world. Okay so let’s begin. I hate when talentless people like Kim Kardashian or Honey Boo Boo can become rich and famous. However the most wise, powerful, and multi-talented people such as myself, must settle for living off paycheck to paycheck completely unknown by the world at large. Life is unfair. Typical catch phrase amongst the adolescent society. It’s funny how true that statement is though. I have to work my ass off just to make ends meet. It would be a miracle if I ever do become discovered. Resilience, integrity, and prodigal wisdom isn’t good enough? Ignorance is bliss is another clichΓ© I like to use. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the things I know about life because it’s just so damn disturbing! To unsee what I have seen. To undo what I have done and what others have done as well. Like the fact that a lot of things that happen in the world is out of my control. Virtually everything is. I want to help people but they never listen to my advice when they ask for it. Then don’t ask me for advice in the first place! That’s so frustrating! But I realize that some people come to me to just vent and not for me to tell them what to do. Helping others is a lot like parenthood. People usually learn the hard way and you gotta let them find things out for themselves. You gotta sit there and listen. Refrain yourself from speaking out your own opinion because it won’t matter anyway. You must love them, no matter how many times they screw up or yell at you or run away. I witness my family and friends suffer in their miserable lives. I hate to admit it, but everyone’s suffering, including me. We are all fallen angels for we are suffering yet we should all be there for each other. This is why I’m going to college to major in Psychology. I care about people and psychological help can inevitably prevent wars and chaos from incinerating the world. Others must be brave enough to ask for help and reach out for support. I acknowledge that we all have our trials and tribulations, that we are all fighting our own internal wars. I will do anything humanly possible to save as many people as I can from destroying themselves and each other, including myself. I don’t care how long I have to stay in college or how many degrees I must earn. I am adamant on saving this world to the best that my limited power can withstand. Yeah, life is unfair. But at the same time, I am very content with my life. I’m single with no kids, living alone, going to college, working out, and staying alive regardless of how much I wanna give up sometimes. I must work even harder to achieve my goals than stupid bitches who were born into wealth like Kim Kardashian. I started from the bottom and I’m sure as hell getting to the top. When I do earn my own fame and fortune, I will appreciate it and I will be grateful for it. I will earn my fame and fortune because I will work my ass off to get what I want. Nothing can stop me. Have a wonderful day from the Arcangel himself! Over and out.