I almost had a mental breakdown today in the realization that the only person I wanted to love me back simply doesn’t. I have done a lot of bad things and experienced abuse beyond most peoples’ understanding but the only thing I truly regret is pleading and begging for someone to love me when I shouldn’t ever have to try that hard. It is normal to cling on the hope that your first love will be your only, that it should always be comfortable and fun with the same person even as years pile on, but it’s unusual for this desire to become any more than just a fantasy. The ambiance after the final act of intimacy shouldn’t be cold and awkward and uncomfortable. But it was. He didn’t have to say he didn’t love me anymore because the spiritual atmosphere told me all I need to know. I’m always the black sheep. I’m always the one person who never gets what he wants. Like Job from The Bible. My mother never accepted me of my sexuality but I tried so hard to win her approval. She was my mom. I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to please her. She should have just loved me regardless of my sexual orientation. My mother broke my heart. Now so did my first love. I have no family, very few friends, and single. But I will be okay. I’m in college to major in Liberal Arts. I could make one very great actor. I could be the next Johnny Depp; portray various roles of different personalities. It is because of trauma and heartbreak that I can recall memories that can make me cry on cue or get me angry or even happy if I think hard enough. I am okay. It will be the horrible aspects of my life that will inevitably fuel an acting career. Ironic, isn’t it? If you feel alone or lost or half-alive, then you must know that it is okay. Find yourself, discover what you are good at, discover what makes you truly happy, and make it your career. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone. We have unlimited potential. We are infinite.